Babies=Ducks

HISTORIC RANT #1
During my pregnancies I decided to share the bizarre experience with friends and family. Mostly I wanted to complain about stuff and decided that a broad spectrum audience (should have learned to blog then) would serve my performer’s personality. So it began. Here is one from when I was pregnant with the Expert, remember this is first pregnancy and I have inserted some comments from the present in Red.

So what is this about? It's about food, fat, registering, baby stuffs, stupid people comments, difficulty sleeping, and food. I am currently 29 weeks...pick your math but that is sometime in the 7th month. Only 11 weeks to go - in theory.

Fat... the belly is SO cute and I love the belly - got the baby in it. Rub the belly; talk to the belly, its presence makes sense. I got boobs - bizarre new concept - kind of fun, kind of annoying but acceptable none-the-less and then the whole situation TURNS AROUND. WHAT IS THIS WALRUS CHASING ME FOR? Apparently my BUTT is carrying twins; it’s like watching two pigs wrestle under the covers. ACK! I had kind of gotten excited about the boobs – for ONCE my boobs were going to catch up with my butt and I would have a balanced equation – but NOOOOO...couldn't have THAT! The butt couldn't be overshadowed. The worst part is this insane desire to do something about it coupled nicely with this insane need to feed myself and do NOTHING. It's like having a split personality. I thought I would walk the stairs at work (there is a handrail for safety) and that would exercise the Gluteus MONSTROUS - but I got up the first flight and stopped - I was exhausted. How can you keep in shape when all you want is ANOTHER nap? (Welcome to parenthood….)

Stupid Commentary...ONLY I CAN SAY THE INFORMATION ABOVE. NOBODY ELSE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION ON MY FAT! People NEVER go up to a plump girl and say – “wow, you are getting quite a butt on you”, or “wow you are carrying big”, or “wow you got round”. What is wrong with people? Does the fact that I am now OBVIOUSLY pregnant completely detach the TACT meter in people’s heads? I actually had a woman tell me that she and her friend were discussing how I had suddenly "got a butt." I mean - DON"T TELL ME THAT. It's the rule of cattiness – be catty - but don't share with the person you are talking about. That's like walking up to someone and saying - we were all just discussing how dreadful that shirt is. I know my butt has gotten out of control – not much I can do about it - not until AFTERWARDS. At least be graceful. Any comments must be said WITH A SMILE, IN ADMIRATION and AWE...This is NOT your change to get your cheap shots in! Just be warned - crappy commentary could result in a couple of things. Option A: I will immediately burst into tears. Option B: I will discuss with everyone who will listen your stupid comment and tell them it was YOU that said it. Option C: Use a choice phrase that would imply your need to leave the vicinity. F-bomb possible. OR Option D: Ask you how your fat is treating you? And point out something that I am sure you would prefer everyone ignore. Oh and there is the chance that ALL these things could happen in combination. DON'T POKE THE BEAR - that is just stupid. (There is no time limit on this veto. My brother & husband thought that 1 year was enough lag to tell me about how big my butt got during my pregnancy. WRONG.)

Sleeping...sleep only on your left side, never on your back, with pillows supporting your knees, neck, back and belly...WHAT? These people have all lost their marbles – what am I a mummy? First off - half the time you wake up because of the extreme change in body temperature, or getting kicked or having to pee – again, for the 3 millionth time. Or for any of the non-pregnancy related issues - like your dog needs to sleep RIGHT THERE (oh no you didn't), or the cat REALLY wants your attention (flying cats), or husband dearest finds that his elbow suddenly needs to be at the exact point on the pillow where your FOREHEAD IS! Regardless, all these wacky rules make me crazy. I understand the logic of them all – BUT, can we PLEASE relax. I just want to sleep – I don't want to POSE. Also, I have been getting muscle and joint cramps. Okay, I know what to do for a calf muscle cramp but pardon me, can anyone tell me how to counteract when your hip JOINT cramps. What do you flex to make that stop? Please, suggestions are welcome! Then you have to flip over - but now you are on your RIGHT side, you can't sleep on your belly – so ¼ of my options for sleep positions are out, actually a lot more than that because I ALWAYS slept on my belly or my side. So then you are all the way awake trying to THINK of a way to position yourself for sleep...I love cable! (Complaining about lack of sleep due to little things like cramps seems insane until you get pregnant again and realize that yup, it really is THAT irritating.)

Registering and Baby stuff...ITS ALL SO FRICKIN CUTE! Ok - so registering for a baby is very complicated. Registering for a wedding is one thing - you know WHAT towels are, you know WHAT dishes are...you generally understand what everything you are asking people for is or does and how it will be applied in your everyday life. But with babies, WHAT IS HALF THIS CRAP?! I mean really, you start off with the simple list of things you need. OK – but then you start looking at them - it's all so frickin' complicated. Sheets...ok - that is easy - but also there are bumper pads, and mattress protectors, and contoured vs. non-contoured changing pads. Classic burp rags vs. cloth diapers, teethers, rattles, gas-less bottles, bottles requiring inserts, issues with not getting a seal on bottles and complaints of complicated bottles, pack and plays, convertible cribs, travel systems, play yards, bouncers, swings, portable swings, baby nail clippers, baby booger suckers (aspirators or something), bibs, washcloths, towels, hooded towels, receiving blankets (what am I receiving?) So obviously you get the picture. Then there are the clothes. EGAD, the clothes...everything is SOOO cute, but let’s face it folks babies grow fast - but not consistently fast - it all varies. Onsies - check...in 3 different sizes, check, without stupid phrases....umm....white, check...you get the picture. Then you see the cute outfits...and it's all over. I really don't know where to go - just you wait...walk into a Baby's R us...see what happens to you! And for a woman who isn't into pastels...I AM SCREWED! Everything is baby pink, or light yellow, or baby blue, or sage green. You occasionally get the lavender. But folks, umm, BABY'S BARF...why is everything designed to SHOW you where the LAST place baby barfed was? Can't I find ONE pack of onsies in bold FUN colors...I hate pink...and everything that is yellow –HAS DUCKS ON IT? Apparently Babies=Ducks. WHAT?

Food...saved the best for last. I WANT IT ALL. People keep asking me about cravings, I don’t have cravings, I just eat everything. If it stops it is lunch. I should be starving hungry right now. I had breakfast at 8, was STARVED at 11:30, ate my lunch and NOW at 1:00 I could go order a large pizza and eat it ALL. I know the baby is growing a lot and needs food – but WOW, can't it eat some of the fat I have stored on my butt and thighs? THERE IS PLENTY. Sadly – I think I am going to have to go find more to eat...it’s just sad really! I really don't have much to say because my stomach actually just rumbled. This is totally unacceptable. Before being pregnant I could go an entire DAY without eating. I could go 2 days on nothing but coffee, nicotine, Snickers bars, and Pepsi what is this inhaling of food thing about. I mean there are days when I eat because I am bored (quit smoking reaction) and then the last two weeks I could literally eat my way through the day and not feel full. I think I stop because I am bored or the plate is empty and I am too lazy to get up and get more! (yup…and then I got to experience the magic of breastfeeding weight loss, and then the torture of post weaning weight gain….it’s an evil cycle.)